Advertisement
Debt Diaries, Step Eight: Make a list of everyone you've wronged
One woman’s 12-step path of recovery from debt addiction. Step Eight involves making a list of all persons we had harmed and become willing to make amends to them all
That’s it. We come up with a list of people we have harmed. We just make a list. That’s it. We don’t charge out and start apologizing.
Again, hilarious. I moved through these steps with zero grace and willingness. But I did them anyway because, well, I was screwed. (I remember telling someone in the program once, when I was having a fit, “I’m leaving the program!” And she said, “Where are you going to go?” End of conversation.)
PREVIOUS STEP: Ask a higher power to remove your defectsTurns out I had harmed a lot of people with my money behaviour. First, I had to shorten the list of people I had harmed. I am given to melodrama, and my first list of harms was too long. I included a lot of people. Including an assistant at a magazine I had worked at 10 years ago. My sponsor asked me: what did you do to her? And I said that I had thought unkind thoughts about her because she was always late in coming up with cheques for us. Let me repeat: the harm I had committed was that I thought a bad thought. I had a very no-nonsense sponsor at the time and she said, no, girlfriend. People you actually harmed. Like, in reality. OK, so that trimmed the list. My mom was at the top. I saw that I had caused my mother pain and anxiety by getting into trouble and then expecting her to bail me out. That was a real harm. So I kept her on the list. Ruth, the nurse from New Jersey, put her father on the list. The harm? Only going to him to ask him for money. I know this was hard for Ruth because her dad was a jerk in a lot of ways, but again, she was just looking at what harm she had done. I had strained a friendship with a very old friend by asking her for $500. I put her name on the list.
NEXT STEP: Make a list of the people you’ve harmedAnd then there was the list of institutions. God, that was long. I put CRA and Capital One because I lied to them: I would say yes, I can pay this amount and yes, I can pay this by this date. I was dishonest with them. What about that part about being willing to make amends? And that was this willingness all about? Well, again, what seemed like an impossibility melted away with time. Turns out I didn’t have to be 100 per cent ready to go charging about apologizing. I just had to slowly become willing to make amends for my bad behaviour. The really tough stuff came in Step Nine. We’re not there yet. What I learned:
Share this article Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Share on Linkedin Share on Reddit Share on Email
Car loan interest rates can be as confusing as a complicated recipe, and just as daunting to navigate. This...
Buying your first car in Canada is like any other major purchase. Ask a lot of questions, not just...
A fresh international challenger has the potential to add competition to the country’s banking oligopoly, though experts warn it...
Learn how to manage your money, understand your earnings, invest wisely and more, from this excerpt of Personal Finance...
Bank of Canada makes a big cut, U.S. inflation is up, Oracle ends a great year on a low...
Created By
Ratehub.ca
Before taking out a loan, learn the differences between these two types, which has better interest rates, and which...
Canada bank earnings remain on target, Dollarama’s expectations catch up to it, “insider selling” sets a new record, and...
Back into the tariff hurricane, Couche-Tard pumps profits, Macy’s loses $130 million, and is there too much optimism about...
Buying a car is a big deal. Understand the financial part of the purchase and, hopefully, save yourself some...