Why your therapist wants to talk to you about money

When discussing fees, our relationship to money, how much our friend or partner makes, feelings can get stirred up. And this can be fodder for therapy, a way that your therapist can help to understand you better. We know that money can be a touchy subject for a lot of Canadians. There are many psychological factors that play into our perception and understanding of our finances. Intergenerational trauma could pertain to money. Or if someone has always been the caregiver in their family, spending money on themselves may be seen as an indulgence instead of a necessity. In the therapeutic setting, money can reveal emotions about our caregivers or show us how we process stressful topics. So, even when it feels challenging to openly discuss your finances with your therapist, here’s why you should try. 

Be open about discussing fees for therapy

One of the first ways money can come up in the therapeutic setting is when you are discussing a therapist’s fee with them. Whether you’re looking for low-cost or sliding scale sessions, or you have the ability to pay the therapist’s full rate, this can be a great way to recognize what emotions are being brought up for you. 

There’s no set rule on how much therapists charge for their services. However, most professional governing bodies, like the College of Registered Psychotherapists of Ontario, regulate therapists to charge a “reasonable rate.” Most therapists will take the length of time that they have been practising and their additional training into consideration when formulating their rate, as well as financial situation, such as a student rate. If you are ever curious about why your therapist charges what they do, it’s OK to ask. This could in fact help you understand your therapist better and open up you up to new methods for your therapist to bring into therapy. 

When discussing fees with your therapist, be open about any negative feelings around their rate. The reason your therapist may want to explore your relationship with money is to help them understand you, as well as your relational dynamics, and how money, or lack thereof, affected your upbringing and your family’s history. Has money never really been an issue for you? Looking into all these avenues can help your therapist understand you, and your relationship with yourself, in a clearer way. 

How money relates to power

With money comes some sense of power, right? So, it’s important to look at what money represents for you. Does it represent freedom, autonomy, power? Perhaps all of the above. Women may have a different relationship to money than men do. The fact that women were not able to have their own bank account or a mortgage until the 1970s in most of North America can lend itself to some inherited emotions around money and what it represents for all genders. These are all avenues you can bring into the therapeutic relationship and have a frank discussion about with your therapist. 

It’s also important to remember that the therapist holds some power in your therapeutic relationship because you are paying for their services. And the onus is on the therapist to keep this power imbalance in check. However, if you ever feel you are being taken advantage of financially, you can reach out to their regional regulatory body to learn more and possibly lodge a complaint. 

Attachment theory and how it pertains to money 

Psychotherapists and counsellors seem to be talking about attachment theory a lot these days, especially on social media and in books. Are you avoidant, anxious or disorganized? Most of this is a bit of a generalization when it comes to attachment theory, but it can help to understand your attachment style and how that might pertain to your view of your finances.

If you avoid talking about money, that may be because it brings up too many uncomfortable emotions. Or you may feel anxious when tax season comes around, and you go into organization mode. Or you have spurts of both (what’s known as disorganized attachment).

Understanding that these emotions are natural and they are emotions that can be processed with your therapist is a great way to begin to take the stress out of financial planning of any sort. 

Addressing intergenerational trauma around money

As mentioned above, many people are overwhelmed by discussing money because of intergenerational trauma. If our parents or grandparents experienced hardships, such as the Great Depression or growing up in a low-income household, their experiences centring money may be different than yours today.

If you or your caregivers were seen as the only source of income for your family, this will add pressure to perform in your given career.

There’s the day-to-day experience of money scarcity, like seeing our caregivers overspending or scrimping and saving, or going through fits of both. And there’s also the trauma that can be ingrained in our genes—the stress of being in a low-income household will be carried through to the next generation. 

If possible, have a financial discussion with parents and caregivers to understand their take on money. Then bring your emotions around money to your therapist, so the two of you can face the financial music head-on. 

The goal: take the bite out of money

Yes, talking about money can be hard, even when we’re talking to our therapist. But it’s worth acknowledging that, just like most things in life, when we talk about them, they can often become less scary and have less of a hold over our emotional well-being. Not to mention, understanding the role that our emotions play in financial decisions can help us make smarter choices, setting us up for a better financial future. 

More about saving and spending:

• Mental health resources in Canada: How to get help for free
• How to plan for retirement when you have no pension
• Canadians are financially stressed—is money trauma to blame?
• Everything But Money excerpt: How much money do you need to not be stressed out?

About Michelle Bilodeau, RP

A psychodynamic psychotherapist and former journalist, Michelle Bilodeau works with clients to build self-esteem, process grief, work through life transitions and address a plethora of emotional experiences.

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